The Lady and the Mushrooms 12/3/07 from Dewey |
Laughter: Second Only to Exercise New jokes and Old Favorites |
Skipping Church Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the associate pastor he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the asso- ciate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn't meet anyone from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up, and fell into the hole. It was a 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" |
| Turn on your sound! Fun--but politically incorrect--song. Link takes you out of our website, so save it for last. |
| Mississippi Squirrel Revival by Ray Stevens |
Farmer Clyde and Ole Bessie A farmer named Clyde had a traffic accident with a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' " asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what would you say?!" |
| Maxine 8/8/07 from Ann L. |
One day a farmer's donkey fell
down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was
old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't
worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to
come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to
shovel dirt into the well. At first,
the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement,
he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the
farmer looked down the well and
was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit
his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would
shake it off and take a step up.
down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was
old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't
worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to
come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to
shovel dirt into the well. At first,
the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement,
he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the
farmer looked down the well and
was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit
his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would
shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors
continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up. Pretty
soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the
edge of the well and happily
trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on
you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to
shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles are a
stepping-stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up. Pretty
soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the
edge of the well and happily
trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on
you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to
shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles are a
stepping-stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW...........
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back, and
bit the farmer who had tried to
bury him. The gash from the bite
got infected and the farmer
eventually died in agony from
septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong
and try to cover your ass, it
always comes back to bite you.
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back, and
bit the farmer who had tried to
bury him. The gash from the bite
got infected and the farmer
eventually died in agony from
septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong
and try to cover your ass, it
always comes back to bite you.
Remember the five simple rules
to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred -
Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries -
Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate
what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred -
Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries -
Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate
what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
| 10/10/07: Gary's moral for the day (again with the donkey) |
| A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. Pay your exorcist---or get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. Fall onto an upholstery machine and be fully recovered. |
| A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France: Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours, and 'taint mine . A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. |
| More Jokes for Lexophiles When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to- know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall. |
| For Lexophiles (from Dewey, a true lexophile. Who'd have ever dreamed it?) |
| When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to make a really special meal, memorable, even. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." |
| Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance be there as quick as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." Then he left They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!" |
| Want to be reminded of your significant other's failings, in a funny way? Of course, "funny" is in the funny bone of the beholder... |
| If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, |
| If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! |
| Inner Strength from Polly |
| New Dec. 10 |
| This is SO FUNNY! Turn up your sound and enjoy an animated joke about Baby Boomers from Jan's friend Lois. http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/waltha ndelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html |
NO MORE FLU SHOTS FOR ME....
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the
pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he
sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with
tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
Its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter?"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the
pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he
sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with
tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
Its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter?"
| New Dec. 15 |
| New Joke Jan. 7 |
King Ozymandias of Assyria was
running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond
in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to
ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000
dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the
King protested. "Don't you know who I
am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to
pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are."
running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond
in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to
ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000
dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the
King protested. "Don't you know who I
am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to
pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are."
Evidence has been found that William
Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league
records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, and we'll never know for whom
the Tells bowled.
Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league
records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, and we'll never know for whom
the Tells bowled.
A thief broke into the local police
station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A
spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A
spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A famous Viking explorer returned
home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized
profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized
profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
A skeptical anthropologist was
cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal
brujo who indicated that the leaves
of a particular fern were a sure cure
for any case of constipation. When
the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds
like these, who needs enemas?"
cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal
brujo who indicated that the leaves
of a particular fern were a sure cure
for any case of constipation. When
the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds
like these, who needs enemas?"
(Jan says this one's for Neanie:)
There were three Indian squaws. One
slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a
hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a
baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
There were three Indian squaws. One
slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a
hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a
baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
Go, Walt!
| Walt Sends Puns |
| New May 6 |
| Announcement: To save space, I've changed from saving jokes permanently to putting them on the Home Page for a few days, then deleting them. |
| ABOUT GROWING OLDER... First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old. |
| June 20, 2011/Dewey |